Semi-live blog of Week 17

(“Semi-” because it’s already 3:30 here, and because I’m not going to sit at my computer; I’m just going to post any time I think of a snappy one-liner.)

6:18 – It’s official: I am the worst live blogger in human history.

4:10 – This week’s definition of “just having fun out there”: 2/8 for 35 yards and an interception.

3:35 – I don’t know who to root for in this Dallas-Philly game.   Should I root for Tony Romo to cement his status as an elite January choker, or for the legendary January choke team of Reid-McNabb to serve up another just-good-enough-to-lose classic?

The surest sign the economy is in trouble

Even the strippers are having trouble paying the bills.

A hero to us all

You know it’s an exciting NFL season

When fully 1/4 of the league’s teams can be described as “complete clusterfucks”.

Hey-hey, ho-ho, Andy Reid has got to go

Andy Reid announced today that Donovan McNabb would be the starter for Thursday’s game against Arizona, a day after he yanked him at halftime and didn’t even have the guts to tell him in person.  This, of course, comes two weeks after Reid decides to run the ball on 3rd and 4th down on the team’s hurry-up last-chance drive in the fourth quarter against the Giants.  And one week after the Eagles tied a miserable Bengals team, Reid again showing no urgency late in the game.  And once again, the Eagles will win two or three fewer games than their talent level indicates they should.

And at some point, the coach has to be held accountable for the terrible in-game decisions.  Right?  I mean, he makes them.

(P.S.  Hi.  We’re back, sort of.  Expect more content to steadily trickle in.)

Summarizes the candidate better than words possibly could

Joe Scarborough, sucking Satan’s cock to get his greasy face on TV

“[We'll talk about w]hatever the McCain campaign wants us to talk about, because the McCain campaign is assertive.”

SERIOUSLY?

Read the transcript– he and Chris Matthews get involved in a meta-discussion about how they don’t talk about Obama enough because it’s so hard to change the subject from the stupid distractions they pump out!  HEY!  YOU’RE THE ONE TALKING!  TRY TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MATTER!  TRY DOING YOUR FUCKING JOB!  TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS, YOU FAT PIGS!

“Liberal media”.  Right.  “Paid middle-school gossip-whores” is more like it.

(h/t to Atrios’ Eschaton)

Sarah Palin’s merit-based leadership

Seriously.  Read about how she blatantly hands out a National Guard promotion in exchange for a political and P.R. favor.  (thanks to Daily Kos)

Jesus fucking Christ, it scares me that so many people are impressed by Palin.  Then again, the lying media whores are doing their best to ensure that you are (cue Bill Hicks’ “Sucking Satan’s pecker…” bit).  Don’t let them cloud the truth!

(Seriously, the above link is the sort of thing journalists who actually did their job would find out.  Instead, they’re so entrenched in their power and prestige that they do whatever they can to maintain the status quo.  American news is not news.)

The Legend of Tim Tebow

As many of you know, Tim Tebow is no mere college football quarterback.  He’s an all-purpose football player and human being.  When he’s not busy , he spends his free time healing the sick, curing the blind, circumcising the uncut, and so on.  His devotion to football is only surpassed by his devotion to his faith, and from it he draws his super powers.  Herein, we list the many, many feats he has performed and, through them, revealed his own half-Jesus, half-Superman nature.  Feel free to add your own Tim Tebow miracles.

Our 2008 NFL Preview

I’ll try to keep this short and sweet. A brief thought on each team to accompany a projected record.

Regular Season

AFC East

New England (14-2): Cracks will start to show, especially in the secondary, but this is still top-to-bottom the league’s best team, coached by the league’s best coach– who happens to be a philandering, cheating weasel, but one who knows when to go for it on fourth-and-short and how to adjust his scheme to his opponents, at least.

NY Jets (8-8): All the moves– Kris Jenkins, Alan Faneca, Vernon Gholston– should make this team better, and they could make the playoffs thanks to a favorable schedule, but I don’t see them as quite as good as the other wild-card favorites.  (Of course, what this really means is “they’ll end up making the playoffs because they get to play Miami and Buffalo instead of the entire AFC South.”

Buffalo (7-9): They’re 7-9 every year.  I don’t think they really care about improving.  It’s a shame, because this team is stocked with young talent.

Miami (3-13): There’s just no reason to believe this roster can compete for anything.

AFC North

Cleveland (10-6): Most people are expecting them to be one-year wonders, but they have a ton of offensive talent, and what may well be the best left side of any offensive line in football. (Remember, you heard it here first when Thomas and Steinbach start making All-Pro teams.)  If Shaun Rogers and Corey Williams pan out, the team will have sturdy D-Line play as well, and it all starts in the trenches.  If Horse Balls doesn’t pan out?  Let the Brady Quinn Hand Party begin!

Pittsburgh (8-8): Similarly, everyone is high on Pittsburgh this year, but that lack of an O-line worries me.  And Rashard Mendenhall’s 6-YPC average in college will only be of value if he holds onto the football.

Baltimore (6-10): They’ve got enough talent and Veteran Leadership (Stabby Division) to compete in a few games, but not enough to really win.  Still, this season will be seen in the annals as a positive step.

Cincinnati (5-11): This team is just too dysfunctional to be any good.  I’ll be surprised if Marvin Lewis is the coach after the year’s through– although, to be fair, the entire organization needs an overhaul.

AFC South

Jacksonville (11-5): Harvey, Groves, and Florence should improve the D, and I have no reason to believe David Garrard isn’t for real.  I think they’ll finally win the division this year, mainly because…

Indianapolis (10-6): …is suffering through too many injuries right now.  They managed to get by last year despite losing damn near everybody, but Manning and Jeff Saturday are too critical to the offense to lose for any length of time.  Expect early-season struggles.

Houston (9-7): If this team played in the NFC West, they’d go 12-4.  As is, they’re going to finally make the playoffs– if Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson stay healthy.  The defense is finally coming around, and who knows– Steve Slaton might well give them the running game they’ve needed to complement the passing game.

Tennessee (8-8): I just don’t think they’re doing enough to keep up with the other teams in this division.  Their failure to add any WR talent speaks volumes.  It’s like they want to keep expectations low and/or stifle Vince Young’s development.

AFC West

San Diego (12-4): Tons of talent, no competition in the division.  Oh, and if Shawne Merriman tries to play this year, he’ll destroy both of his knees beyond repair.  Hope he doesn’t have to learn the hard way that he isn’t Superman without steroids.

Denver (8-8): I think Jay Cutler is the real deal, as is Brandon Marshall.  That defense is just so atrocious; I expect nothing special from it.

Kansas City (6-10): Six wins would be a major achievement.  I have no idea why I think they’ll do so well.  Call it the Glenn Dorsey effect.

Oakland (5-11): More talented than the Chiefs, but even more dysfunctional.  At least Herm Edwards fosters an environment of comfortable losing (and proves once again you don’t need to be that good at your job if you’re PR-savvy).  Al Davis openly feuds with his coach!

NFC East

Dallas (12-4): Tons of talent, mediocre coach, QB who wilts in December.   More of the same this year, and then it’s all aboard the Jason Garrett express.

NY Giants (10-6): Revised upward after the Thursday night game, when they looked surprisingly good despite the loss of Umineyora (and Kiawanuka). Eli is the real deal, though he had a few “Eli” moments.

Philadelphia (8-8): I don’t know why people are high on this team.  They never seem to quite have enough to be a real contender.  If everyone stays healthy, their peak is “pretty good”.  If they don’t, it’s “mediocre at best”.  This has been true for the last ten years.

Washington (5-11): Revised downward after the season opener.  I don’t think Jim Zorn understands how to win a football game, but he is quite good at calling a seven-yard pass on third-and-eight and then punting on fourth-and-one.

NFC North

Green Bay (10-6): I think Aaron Rodgers is legit.  And a guy having this much fun with his facial hair will be totally fine under pressure.

Minnesota (10-6): The front seven is awesome.  The O-line and ADAP are awesome.  Everything else is questionable.  Even so, that should be enough for a playoff spot.

Detroit (6-10): Well, between Kevin Smith and Rudi Johnson, there should be some semblance of a running game here.  I don’t expect much, though; this has long been one of the most mismanaged franchises in all of professional sports.

Chicago (5-11): As with Tennessee, it’s like they’re deliberately trying to sabotage their passing game to lower expectations.  The problem is that this team just isn’t as good.

NFC South

New Orleans (12-4): I’m a complete homer, sure, but last year’s September was a complete fluke for the Saints.  And all the glaring, obvious shortcomings (defensive interior, secondary passing options, insisting on playing a 4-3-3 on defense) were addressed.  If they work, this team will terrorize the NFC.  If they don’t, it won’t, but most of Sean Payton’s moves have worked out so far.  Drew Brees is like two more seasons away from being the best QB in franchise history.

Carolina (9-7): People don’t understand how good Jake Delhomme is.  His return will make this team competitive again.  Presumably, Julius Peppers will bounce back, as well.  They won’t be great, but they could make a playoff run.

Tampa Bay (8-8): Another team that could find its way into playoff contention, but I’m just not sold on all the parts.  Donald Penn is your left tackle?  Really?

Atlanta (3-13): I’ve revised my opinion of Matt Ryan somewhat these last few months and no longer think he’ll be a giant bust.  I also think that he and Roddy White will be the only good things about this team (well, Jerious Norwood would if he ever got the carries.  BTW, I think the Michael Turner experiment will be ruled less than a success).

NFC West

Seattle (10-6): Must be nice to play in the shittiest division in football.  Switch them with the Texans and each team’s record changes by 3-4 wins.

St. Louis (7-9): A return to health for the major players will help the offense, but the defense is miserable.

Arizona (6-10): I do kinda think Ken Wisenhunt’s on the right track, but Arizona has been a rumored sleeper for too many years now, and they never come through.  Prove to me you can put together a winning record, Cardinals.

San Francisco (5-11): The real question is, who’s a bigger bust, Matt Leinart or Alex Smith?  I vote Leinart– Smith has had an extra year, sure, but has been thrust into a terrible situation, which makes it tough to evaluate his actual progress.  Leinart, on the other hand, has fouled up in a situation where Kurt Warner has performed pretty well in his stead– and there’s plenty of photographic and DNA evidence to suggest Leinart doesn’t exactly spend his offseasons working on football.

Playoffs

AFC

Wild Card: Colts over Browns; Jaguars over Texans

Divisional: Patriots over Colts; Jaguars over Chargers

Championship: Patriots over Jaguars

NFC

Wild Card: Giants over Seahawks; Packers over Vikings

Divisional: Packers over Cowboys; Saints over Giants

Championship: Saints over Packers

Super Bowl

New Orleans 26, New England 20

Yeah, that’s a homer pick for sure.  I don’t care, though– I certainly think it’s possible, and I think there’s just enough of a chance the Saints are a juggernaut this season to make this pick totally reasonable.  I tried looking at it rationally, but my judgment is forever clouded.  Who Dat?