AN OPEN LETTER TO U.S. OLYMPIC GYMNAST SHAWN JOHNSON.

DEAR SHAWN:

MY NAME IS GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE.

I MUST SAY I WAS IMPRESSED BY YOUR PERFORMANCE AT THE 2008 BEIJING SUMMER OLYMPICS.  YOU SHOWED A RARE COMBINATION OF ATHLETIC GRACE, ALL-AMERICAN GOOD LOOKS, AND BENDABILITY.  YOU WOULD BE THE PERFECT SPOKESMODEL FOR THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE.  AND BY “SPOKESMODEL” I MEAN “PRETTY YOUNG THING WHO WILL RIDE MY POMMEL HORSE IN POSITIONS AND AT ANGLES MOST PEOPLE WOULD NEED A FOURTH DIMENSION TO ACCESS”.

WHEN I SEE YOU SMILE, I FEEL A WARM STIRRING IN MY LOINS AND I KNOW THAT THOSE CHIPMUNK TEETH OF YOURS ARE A CANVAS THAT NEEDS PAINTING– AND MY TRUSTY PAINT GUN WILL DO THE JOB, DECORATING THAT OVERBITE WITH A SMATTERING OF LOVE JELLY IN VOLUMES AND PATTERNS THAT WOULD MAKE JACKSON POLLOCK JEALOUS.

AFTER THAT, I WILL BEND YOU INTO A PRETZEL AND ATTACK YOUR QUIVERING WOMANHOOD WITH MY INSTRUMENT OF JUSTICE FROM EVERY POSSIBLE ANGLE WHILE RECITING PASSAGES FROM “SONG OF SONGS” TO YOU. THEN, CONTINUING IN THE THEME OF THE OLD TESTAMENT, I WILL PLAY MOSES WITH MY MOUTH’S CLITORAL JACKHAMMER UNTIL YOUR SPIRITUAL RAPTURE CAUSES YOU TO START SCREAMING IN TONGUES.

SURE, YOU MAY ONLY BE 16, BUT LIKE BELA KAROLYI’S TRAINING METHODS, MY LOVE ROCKET KNOWS NO AGE WHEN IT COMES TO PROVIDING PULSE-POUNDING ORGASMS.  YOU’LL COME SO HARD YOUR SILVER MEDAL FROM THE ALL-AROUND WILL TURN INTO GOLD.  I GUARANTEE IT.

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